


Daydreams

by daphnie_1



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, F/M, Female Character, Gen, M/M, One Shot, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-06
Updated: 2010-03-06
Packaged: 2017-10-11 20:47:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/116925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daphnie_1/pseuds/daphnie_1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kirk sometimes wonders what it would have been like to meet Amanda. He has a day-dream that runs a little something like this...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Daydreams

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Very strong swearing & deals, in a way, with a canon character death even though that is not the primary focus.
> 
> beta: The wonderful Jaylee_g

It's hot as hell on the surface of New Vulcan. Although the planet's just undergone its seven-year monsoon, the heat in the air is stifling. Kirk has no freaking idea why anyone would choose to live here.

He sits himself down on the grass outside (which is just weird – Vulcan. With grass.); although Kirk knows he should be inside making small talk with Spock's parents. He's here as Ambassador after all; which is something else that's weird. (Since when had he become an ambassador?) Anyway, he's been sneezing all over the place; so he excused himself to go outside ‘til the hypospray kicked in, and he could say a full sentence.

Fucking Vulcan 2.0, and its seven-year cycles. Sure, it's pretty, and green - very green - but the pollen really doesn't agree with him.

He should have gone back in about half an hour ago, but God - Spock's parents. Sarek was exactly as Kirk had remembered him – oh-so _Vulcan_ , and oh-so logical. And yeah, Kirk was pretty sure the guy hated him. Not that Kirk minded - he kind of got the impression Sarek hated everyone. So he doesn't take it personally; and hey - at least he knows where he stands, right?

But he has no clue what to make of Amanda, though. The whole time Kirk had been at their house she hadn't said anything; only sat there in silence. Okay, not strictly true. She said two, or three words to Spock and Sarek when they started bitching at each other in Vulcan. (Spock has developed a bit of a habit that involves forgetting Kirk can actually speak Vulcan fluently and forgot to pass the memo on to his parents.) She managed to silence them both, which is no mean feat.

Oh fuck, looks like his absence has been spotted.

"I was wondering if I could talk with you, Mister Kirk?" Amanda asks in Vulcan; her pronunciation not quite right.

Kirk grins. "Sure. Standard is easier though, if it's all the same."

She smiles slightly; and Kirk doesn't know why, but he half expects her to quirk an eyebrow at him.

"I understand my son has sworn himself to you,” she states; not putting any emotional inflection in it. “Have you done the same?"

Quite a conversation opener. No point in beating around the bush with small talk, huh? Nice - you've got to love that Vulcan habit of cutting out the crap.

Kirk runs a hand through his hair and laughs; trying not to notice how nervous it probably sounds.

"No. So - do you wanna kick me off Vulcan now, or wait? If it's all right, I'd like about half an hour. _Enterprise_ isn't due back ‘til then and - you know - that could get awkward."

Her eyes sparkle. For the first time he's spoken to her, there's actually a hint that she's _human_.

"I’d rather have an explanation. A repeat of the Argo incident isn't necessary."

Oh fuck no - not this. It was a whole damn year ago! Why can't _anybody_ let that go? Everyone just talks endlessly about it. You'd think people would have more interesting things to do - but go figure. He needs to make a mental note to kill Spock the next time he sees him, for even mentioning it. They had a _deal_. Not cool.

"He told you about that? Oh man - look, it wasn't my fault." He runs a hand through his hair,“Well, okay - it was; but the thing with the Ambassador’s daughter was way over-exaggerated."

It really had been. He'd just been nice, and it'd gotten thrown all out of proportion. Well, not entirely - there may have been flirting on his part, but that's it. Well, mostly it…

"And really, it was Pike’s laughing when they called to complain that got us banned for good." A quick pause to catch his breath, "As for everything else, the Entire bridge crew was just as bad - especially Spock and..."

His voice trails off as she starts to laugh. It's a weird, kinda-alien sound here, on Vulcan. She's the only one he's heard laughing in the hours he's been here.

“You’re teasing." He grins, “Seriously though - not my fault. I just gotta remember to watch out for those Ambassadors."

She smiles. "Ah, but Mister Kirk – or should it be Captain? - that was your first error. It's the Ambassador’s partner you need to be wary of."

In her case he'd fucking believe that. It's just something about Amanda's demeanor; like she notices every little thing around her. Reminds him a little of Spock, actually.

Kirk grins, "Hey! If you do ban me from Vulcan, I'll be the only captain in the fleet not allowed on three federation planets."

Amanda shakes her head; but there's a trace of a smile on her face. "Enough about Argo. You’re due another explanation."

He didn’t want to piss off Spock's mom. It would just complicate things – and Spock is weirdly fond of his mom – so there's no way in hell he can explain.

It's better to have her pissed off at him, than try, anyway.

Kirk turns from her with every intention of walking away. "Actually, don't think I am. Spock is all grown up now." And he grins because he just can't fucking help himself. "Trust me, I know."

He takes a few steps away before she asks quietly, "Are you sworn to someone else?" She makes it sound like an off-hand remark; like she's just asked the time.

It's enough to stop him in his tracks and make him spin the hell back round, "Jesus! _No._ "

She tilts her head to the side, trying to work out if he's lying or not. “Then is my son confused as to the nature of the feelings you apparently have for him? He is not very good with human emotion, after all .”

No, Spock is most definitely _not_ confused; and Amanda knows that. Nice move – completely underhanded, but _nice_.

Kirk shakes his head. "It's...complicated."

Now isn't _that_ the truth.

Amanda shrugs. “Enlighten me.”

He shrugs back. Kirk opens his mouth to say something else - laugh it off - and it all sort of comes falling out; everything he should say to Spock, but hasn't. There's way more of it than he would have thought.

“You know, I never thought I'd say this, but your son’s a bit of a romantic. He seems to think this is forever. That's why I haven't sworn myself to him; because it's a promise I can't keep. Something will happen - I'll fuck up, or say something I shouldn't - and then it's done. I'm not going to lie to him, and I'm sure as hell not ready for forever.”

Kirk pauses for a second - and then he laughs, because it's getting absolutely zero reaction from Amanda. And hell, he's used to that; but somehow it's still funny. "He insists nothing I do will piss him off that badly, but I'm pretty sure he's wrong."

He doesn't tell her the entirety of it - doesn't tell her that Spock believes they're fated; with a scary amount of faith. That they are t’hy’la; and with fate trying so hard to make them collide, Spock insists they can’t fall apart.

Kirk isn't so sure about that. Sometimes, he half considers testing it; finding out just how far he'd have to push.

"I always manage to screw it up somehow." He thinks of Carol Marcus, and Gary Mitchell, and so many others. He laughs, even though he’s not sure why. "I don't mean it, but it's a bit of a hobby." He stops for a moment before grinning, and says, "So, are you going to kick me off Vulcan, or what?"

Amanda considers it for a moment. “It sounds fairly simple to me, Mister Kirk.” She tells him, smiling gently, and oh how easy it is for her to say that, "You didn't study the texts of Surak, did you? Even though you speak Vulcan?"

That, Kirk realizes, is where Spock gets the fucking annoying habit of asking questions he thinks he already knows the answer to. Stress on the _'think'_.

She smiles. "My son is not a romantic. The texts of Surak say that a bond partner is chosen for life. If the decision is reached at logically, then the pair will survive." She pauses. "I think it's fair to say my son has reached this decision logically." _Even if I don't understand it, and probably never will._

"Right, because that works."

Oh yeah, the look on her face tells him that wasn't a good thing to say.

"Love is not something broached lightly by a Vulcan."

That much he does know. It took Spock months to admit to anything. Kirk nods. "See, that's the problem. It's way too easy for Humans; we don't take it seriously."

He's not entirely sure he means what he's saying; but she's annoyed him now, and his mouth’s rattling off before he has the chance to think.

Amanda smiles at him; and it's not a nice smile, not at all. "One thing that's surprised me, from hearing my son talk about you, is that I didn't expect someone so... _human._ "

There's absolutely nothing in the tone to suggest it's an insult; but he can't help thinking that's exactly what it is.

"Ouch. My _feelings_ ," Kirk answers.

This is met with exactly zero reaction; just the simple sentence: "I think, Mister Kirk, you forget sometimes that I'm not Vulcan. I may have lived here a long time, but I'm just as human as you."

Okay, so she's got him pinned on that. He may forget she’s not Vulcan; but, oh – he doesn’t know if she’s fully human, anymore. She's made a habit of fitting in here - of pretending not to feel anything - that she almost fits the part without seeming to try. He'll admit, the idea frightens the hell out of him. Spock had described her as being very human, but Kirk doesn't see it.

"You don't like me," Kirk says; more a statement than a question. Which is cool - there are plenty that share that opinion, "And it's _Captain_."

She shakes her head. "Quite the opposite, Captain Kirk. I don't understand you."

Right back at you, Kirk thinks. He shrugs slightly before crossing his arms. "What's to understand? I'm not exactly complicated."

She laughs gently at that. "Everything." There’s a pause, as she clasps her hands in front of her. “You seem so flippant about my son; but the things he's told me about you suggest otherwise. You have risked your life for him - you would do anything. And yet, you act… like _this_." She waves a hand at him. “You speak Vulcan fluently; have chosen one as a partner. Yet you take no interest in the philosophy or culture; the very things that would help you understand.”

He shrugs again; as if this is all so perfectly reasonable. Because to him, it is. “You know – the bit from the texts of Surak? That you quoted before? That isn’t exactly what it says.” He pauses, “Well, okay, that's not what the original says; but it depends on the translation you’re using.”

She had fucking asked for that. Her Vulcan seemed slightly stilted; like she knew the words, but not quite what to do with them.

She quirks her eyebrow again in a perfect mirror of Spock; and Kirk can't decide if it's on purpose or not. "Why don't you enlighten me?"

Kirk laughs, shaking his head. "It doesn't matter."

He can't help wondering if she'd once been like him. If she'd been as emotive - as prone to smiling, laughing - just being _human_. Or if she'd always been quiet, reserved. What had she'd been like before she'd met Sarek, and moved half the way across the universe? What she'd been like before she'd fallen in love with a Vulcan?

He sits down on the grass again. They don't talk for a few minutes, but eventually she sits down in front of him.

"I spend so long talking to Vulcans, that sometimes I forget how to talk to Humans."

He looks up, and he can read a bare trace of emotion on her face.

There's a moment of silence while she collects her thoughts. "Sometimes it is easier isn't it? Playing a part."

And he understands - because he's a fucking idiot, and he's bought into it without thinking. Amanda Grayson is so much more than just the Ambassador’s wife; so much more than what she pretends to be. She's the only scientist to hold a place at the Vulcan Science Academy - the only permanent lecturer that's not through-and-through Vulcan. And she's there because she's the best in her field.

Spock had called her a teacher, and yeah, she technically is that. But she's also so much fucking more. She lectured at Starfleet Academy once on Xenobiology - and _how_ the fuck had he forgotten that?

Kirk shrugs, because he doesn't know what to say.

"I think we have both been playing our parts for so long, that we have forgotten that they are just parts," Amanda tells him.

She's got that annoying habit of Spock's; his way of thinking that he's got you _pinned_ , even though he doesn't.

"Speak for yourself," Kirk says, but it's not done unkindly. Because even he can tell this is meant to establish some sort of understanding, even if she's got him all wrong.

It's better than nothing.

Amanda laughs. "You are still young, Captain. You are still young."

He shakes his head at that, and then gestures to himself. "What makes you think _this_ is an act? Seems pretty real to me."

It all does - that's the thing. Because it _is_ real.

She doesn't answer. Which, he thinks, is probably for the best. She stands up and he follows suit; and she starts to walk, indicating that he should follow.

"You don't hate me then?" Kirk asks after a few moments.

Amanda simply shakes her head. "No James, I don't hate you. I never could. You are my son’s T'hy'la, his bond mate; whether the title is official or not. Hating you would be hating a part of him."

Kirk groans, and he thinks he can see a flicker of a smile across her face.

"Don't you just freaking _hate_ that word?"

He asks, because he does. Ever since Spock explained the word to him, Kirk has hated it. Hated it for what it means, hated it for what it symbolizes, and hated it for how much sway it holds over Spock.

"I used to, but not now," Amanda tells him; and she shakes her head again. "You are still so very young."

He thinks he understands, at least a little. He always wondered what someone like Amanda could see in Sarak, the slightly scary Ambassador from Vulcan. But Amanda is with Sarek because she'd finally found someone that can keep up with her; both intellectually and everything else.

He wonders if people look at Spock and think the same thing. Whether they look at him and see a Vulcan and nothing else; and miss absolutely everything that makes him _Spock._ Everything that makes him Kirk's best friend, the best first officer in the fleet. Whether they look at him and miss the slight twitch at the corner of his mouth – so slight you'd never notice, but Kirk can see that means he's happy - and the way he blinks slightly too rapidly when he's stressed, or pissed.

He wonders if Amanda can look at Sarek and see the same slight clues. Whether she can read him.

Kirk thinks that his first mistake wasn’t in underestimating Ambassadors. It was underestimating her.

"I don't think I'm ever gonna see it differently."

The whole T'hy'la thing is just not his gig and he dosen't think it ever will be.

There is so fucking much he'd like to ask her; now that they’re apparently talking, or whatever. He wants to ask her what it's like to stick with a Vulcan for so long; if it's anything like he's betting it would be. If she minds that her son picked a Human and not a Vulcan; whether she's actually pleased?

He doesn't, though.

She smiles at him, but it's more amused than anything, "But you do have feelings for him, don’t you?"

He doesn't know exactly what those _feelings_ are; or how he could define them. But they _are_ there; permanent or not. And hey - Spock has that fucking annoying habit of sometimes making Kirk believe in miracles.

They may pull this off. Weirder things have happened.

"Yeah, I do."

Kirk walks back to the house with the only other human in the entire Universe who has a Vulcan; and thinks that, yeah - he might need to have a talk with his.


End file.
